My insecurities have been on the rise today. I’m a pretty reserved person. At least towards strangers anyway. Today, more than once, I was in a room full of strangers. Quiet strangers. It was our second week in the new ward & my first week attending Sunday School & Relief Society. It was Fast Sunday, so I got up & briefly introduced myself & bore my testimony. I found myself sharing things I would normally never share with strangers, in my efforts to try to break out of my shell.
I tend to be more of an observer than a participant in a lot of things in life. I don’t get many experiences that leave lasting impressions this way & I want to try to make some new friends before the typical first year of required distance is imposed. Okay so it’s not really a year…it just feels like one….& it’s not something I try to do. It just is. I have a hard time letting my guard down with people. I always have. I have a hard time speaking up in a group setting. This has been the norm for me, as well.
Today, however, I sat in class with the most reserved group of people I’ve ever seen. I don’t know if the majority of them had nothing to add today or if they didn’t have the answers to any of the questions posed to the group, or if this is just typical for them. At times the silence bordered uncomfortable, so me, trying to be my real self (somewhat talkative with a lot of seemingly useless, nevertheless interesting {to me} tidbits of info I’ve garnered over the years) spoke up way too often. I don’t want to feel like the kid that has all the answers (correct or not), but it’s hard for me to pass up on a question when no one else is giving their 2 cents. And the silence in Relief Society, after the lesson had been given & we were given some time to bare our testimonies…..it was borderline painful, how utterly silent this room was. I rarely spend any time somewhere it’s completely quiet, so the silence of this room was quite a shock to the senses!
To sum it up, the day was just awkward. My negative self-conscience didn’t rear its ugly head (at least not too badly) until I got home & had a chance to think about the days events & do a mental rerun of the things that came out of my mouth. Don’t mistake me….everyone was very warm & welcoming. I realize this was pretty much just me being a nerd & I wound up showing my inner-nerd too soon & then being afraid of giving the wrong impression (I’m so not a know-it-all….I really don’t know it all but, like I said, I have some fun little nuggets stored up in my head that sometimes beg to be let loose & I have to reign myself in). It’s hard to step out of comfort zones & for me it’s even harder to allow people to get to know me without first, at least, testing the waters for a while. Feeling them out, you know. The good news is I’ll live. I may have to spend a few uncomfortable Sunday’s with this group of new-friends-to-be (silently telling myself to “shut it” & to “keep it to myself” & “just because you know the answer or have a different spin on it than the common, expected answer doesn’t mean you have to speak up”, lest I thought not cool, but ultimately I’ll remember it’s not 5th grade at the new school & I’ll get past this awkward phase), but that too I can live with.
Overall, I was glad to be able to spend some time with my new ward family. Though I miss the old one A LOT & the comfort that naturally comes with being in one place for 5 years, I was glad to get the chance to put myself out there. Even the discomfort of it all is appreciated. If we never stretch ourselves, how will we ever grow? 
Shannon, what I have found over the years about you, is you know more then you give yourself credit for. I’ve always admired about you, is the the stuff you know about the book of Morman. and how confident you are in your own skin. It’s a good thing. You have alot to offer the world. Thanks